At the End of the Tunnel

I have been riding the dregs the past two weeks.
So many unsettled issues, unanswered questions and untamed instincts have been popping out of my mind and have been haunting me whether the life I'm treading is for real, mere baloney.

I was at the height of it all when my mom called me over the phone, via long distance. I told her that my heart was once again in connivance with my mind, arguing whether or not i would stay as a novice, or I would go ahead and find my life which i thought i lost more than four years ago.
I told her that i wanted to stay, but i really felt that i needed to go out.
I told that to my classmates too, and to my Novice Master.
And so far, I havent gotten an answer.
But at least I learned two very important lessons.
First, being open about all of these is an enormous help. Ever since I was able to put a handle on it, i seemed to be in control. I felt that it was not only me handling the problem, but that my whole community is helping me solve it, or at least get over with it.

Second, although i realized to my demise, that the six months i have been spending here have all been in vain, i was affirmeed that whether i would leave or stay, i would have to back it up with a firm and deep motivation. These are not anymore the days of song and dance. I dont want to spend another day here just because of the company, the friendship, the peace and security. Nor do i want to spend another day outside just because of the freedom, the fame, the money and the family i would miss having.


I have to stand up to a more solid motivation. One that would hold me and say you're not living your life today for no reason at all. This is not a one-day-at-a-time life. This is a life meant to prepare you for your real life: in heaven.

Over and above all these, one image comes to mind. The light at the end of the tunnel.

It says to me never to give up. That even though it is dark, even though it is wet and muddy, even though it is a long way out, there will always be that small glimmer of light, of hope, meant to push you forward.

And that's what's keeping me. The hope that there is and will always be the light at the end of all these.