"From that time on...

...Jesus began to preach and say, "Repent, for the Kingdom of heaven is at hand."

These are not my words.
I copied it from Matthew, as he speaks of the beginnings of Jesus' Galilean mission in his Gospel.
But in so doing, i am making it Mine too.

The events were quick and unstoppable. during the last few weeks before our submission of our application letter, i was even very excited about what would happen in a few months time. Little did i know that God was preparing something more for me.
It so happened that a wake up call jolted me out of my dream mode, which, apparently i have been in all throughout these past years. the event (i should not mention details, lest my decision might take on a bad light) was a blessing in disguise and my saving grace. it was sooner than i thought that i realized only one thing: Have i really, concretely, convincingly made up my mind to become a Salesian, or am i still prancing around, hoping, one day to don the ego-enhancing cassock, take on the letters SDB, and walk home and say: "Look at me! I'm different now!"?
seriously, i know i haven't.
i haven't even thought about an alternative life if anything possibly goes wrong! i always thought, no, rather, i have always been made to think that this is the only life for me.
And taking this as the premise of everything, my motivations are still in that 'first year seminarian' stage, only now, justified in so many other ways.

This is where the roller coaster ride began.
I looked back at the nine months of "living the life" and i say, Gosh! i dont even think i'm enjoying this anymore (i dont want to hurt anyone in saying this, take this with a grain of salt, and read in- between the lines). of course i have been doing the most extraordinary things, experiencing the most unique of encounters, and have been taking on privileges that i never even thought a Salesian is entitled to have!
I read and re-read my novitiate journal, and i could tell you frankly, with evidence at hand, that since day One, i have been feeling ill about something. i could sense that something was wrong. It was a good thing that i was able to let pass nine months before coming to a conclusion, lest i would be living in a despondent subterranean desert, arid and cold, with no road to turn to.
I prayed and sought peace where it beckoned me. With God's grace and all of your prayers, i know that I have made the best decision i could make both in my life now and in the lives of the people around me.

Matthew's words, "From that time on..." is actually an antecedent to another line, which talks about the arrest of John the Baptist and Jesus' consequent loneliness. it reads: "When Jesus heard that John had been arrested, he withdrew to Galilee..."
a cause. an effect.
a missing. a mission.
an end. a new beginning.

i dont like the former, because im tired of hearing people say, "Sayang!" or "Bakit?" I think i'm well over those, and i want to be where i should be: at the start of something new.
thanks for hearing me out.
Lets pray for each other.