At the End of the Tunnel

I have been riding the dregs the past two weeks.
So many unsettled issues, unanswered questions and untamed instincts have been popping out of my mind and have been haunting me whether the life I'm treading is for real, mere baloney.

I was at the height of it all when my mom called me over the phone, via long distance. I told her that my heart was once again in connivance with my mind, arguing whether or not i would stay as a novice, or I would go ahead and find my life which i thought i lost more than four years ago.
I told her that i wanted to stay, but i really felt that i needed to go out.
I told that to my classmates too, and to my Novice Master.
And so far, I havent gotten an answer.
But at least I learned two very important lessons.
First, being open about all of these is an enormous help. Ever since I was able to put a handle on it, i seemed to be in control. I felt that it was not only me handling the problem, but that my whole community is helping me solve it, or at least get over with it.

Second, although i realized to my demise, that the six months i have been spending here have all been in vain, i was affirmeed that whether i would leave or stay, i would have to back it up with a firm and deep motivation. These are not anymore the days of song and dance. I dont want to spend another day here just because of the company, the friendship, the peace and security. Nor do i want to spend another day outside just because of the freedom, the fame, the money and the family i would miss having.


I have to stand up to a more solid motivation. One that would hold me and say you're not living your life today for no reason at all. This is not a one-day-at-a-time life. This is a life meant to prepare you for your real life: in heaven.

Over and above all these, one image comes to mind. The light at the end of the tunnel.

It says to me never to give up. That even though it is dark, even though it is wet and muddy, even though it is a long way out, there will always be that small glimmer of light, of hope, meant to push you forward.

And that's what's keeping me. The hope that there is and will always be the light at the end of all these.

Anak!

I know I've thought of this before, but in all honesty, I just cant put it into practice.

Last Tuesday, we had our class in Religious Life. Our professor, Fr. Godo, shared in depth on the topic of HUMILITY. And in the middle of the discussion, he injected pointers from St. Therese of Lisieux on how it is to practice humility.

Humility, at its best is authentic and genuine when it flourishes into what we call a "Spiritual Childhood": a state of awareness of God's fatherhood and consequent filial dependence on Him.
Phew.
Big words.

But really, aren't children the best examples of what it is to be looking up all the time? Aren't they the ones whom we call innocent, frail, unimportant?
St. Therese practiced just that. And she shares with all of us five practical pointers on how it is to become like her.

First, there has to be ABSOLUTE CONFIDENCE in God. Just like how it is said in Mt. 7:7-8: Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door will be opened to you.
I am not the asking person. I was taught that you should always do everything you can before asking help. And the person who does not do anything is not worthy of any help. This was ingrained in me since I was young. And from there flourished my life of always needing to achieve something, and most of it bearing only my name. But Absolute Confidence is totally the opposite! it is when you have reached the pinnacle of Faith, that you let things unfold before your eyes, knowing that everything is under His command.

Second, the Saint ponts out that there has to be an ABSENCE OF DEBILITATING SELF-PREOCCUPATION. In short, a total banishment of ANXIETY. I really dont have to expound about this with myself, because in a scale of 1-10, my anxiety level shoots up to 15! The Gospel says: look at the birds, they do not reap, nor sow, but your Father in heaven takes care of them. Are you not more than birds?... (Mt.6:25-34) Without this, God's grace can never permeate your self-preoccupation!

Third, Humility of being a chld of God should be equal to a love proving itself by OBEDIENCE. If God tells you to jump from a cliff, you should do so with total obedience. If God removes your talents, melts away your dashing good looks, or shoves you with people who are but pests in your life, accept it with all humility: obedient that everything is given by God.
I'm not good at this either. I should be on the winning team. I should be sure always. And most of the time, obedience happens when you least expect it.

the fourth and fifth are rather similar: one has to have a love of preference for the FATHER, and one has to have a concern for the Father's GLORY. You see, humility works best when you bounce back all your blessings, your graces to the One who gave them to you in the first place. And looking back at myself, the times when i receive applause and keep the fame to myself, the times when i get a compliment and bask in the limelight even for a while, are those times when i feel the lowest. i feel that i didnt give justice to Him who crowned me with such honors in the first place. And mind you, it can be very difficult.

This is what Spiritual Childhood is all about.
Knowing and Accepting that God is MY Father, and that he is in charge of my life.